*Please note this is a prime example of overwhelming pregnancy hormones*
I have chosen not to share much about this pregnancy with my readers for soo many different reasons. Reasons I didnt even know myself. Reasons beyond my own understanding but now shed light on my own struggle with Faith and understanding. My emotional downpour starts here……
2 years ago, I suffered a uterine rupture and delivered my precious baby girl at only 26 weeks( You can read her story here). I delivered this miracle, this amazing little light that was determined to shine despite the odds against her. The brightest little light I will ever know.
I watched her struggle those first few days- watched her crash and burn- watched her fight for every breath. I wished every second I could fight for her, take away all the pain. Children should not be in pain, and moms should not have to worry about whether they will ever hold their baby again. I am not quite sure how I made it through those long 12 weeks, I am a blubbering basket case writing this. I can say though that I felt his presence with me and around her every step of the way. I was not alone in my journey.
When I suffered my first miscarrriage, I struggled with the Why God stuff. But not with her. I knew God had a greater plan for her, and would see me through even if his plan wasn’t the one I would envision for our lives. I prayed for peace and understanding with any outcome. I wasn’t 100% sure she would survive, but I knew I would through his grace and glory. I prayed over her, and still do. I am soo ever grateful for the miracle he has entrusted me with.
But I wasn’t supposed to be pregnant yet. Most women that suffer a uterine rupture walk away losing something. I walked away with my baby and my uterus. I was told to give it time, and then to discuss it if the time came. We knew we would one day discuss it as we have always wanted a large family. Discussion never came, and now we are expecting. I am beyond thrilled to be pregnant with another beautiful baby girl, but it doesn’t come without fear. As you could imagine.
I really wanted to share this baby with you. Post my growing belly and tell all about my appts- share our family’s excitement but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear “Everything will be okay” or ” Just trust in him and your baby will be fine”. WHAT IF SHE’S NOT!! What if I rupture during my pregnancy, and I fit into that 50% of women who bleed to death after a rupture. The thought of hemmoraghing at home with my 3 kids nearby has haunted my thoughts for the past 7 months. Do you know what that must be like? Studies show you have about 17 minutes to get baby out after the uterus rips open or the baby dies. I just could not handle everyone telling me not to worry. That’s all I do.
I am now only 4 weeks away from delivering, and Drs say everything is looking good. I am being very closely monitored and so far there is no sign of uterine abnormality. The baby is growing strong, and with a few medications I am holding her in until 35 weeks. I am sucking up the pain of weekly injections- the knots in my hips are killing me. I have received 2 rounds of steroids to mature her lungs- so if she decides to make an early arrival she will be stronger. I take daily Procardia to quiet the strong contractions I get throughout the day. My uterus is scarred and irritable- it gets a little cranky in the afternoon. I am taking it easy- and finally letting the excitement set in.
It feels good to release some of the worry and fear. At this point, I know if she is born her odds of survival are pretty much that of a regular newborn. I have kept all my pain from Lil’s birth with me this pregnancy- not sure if I could handle that again and wondering if I could be blessed with a miracle twice. How often does 2 miracles happen? Often enough that is has in our home. I am beyond a point any Drs thought I would make it to, I stood my Pro-Life ground and handed it all over to the maker.
So forgive me for not sharing my pregnancy with you. I had to get it right with me before I could bring anyone else into it. I had a lot of emotional baggage attached, not to mention I am in a new place without my family near me. I found out just 2 weeks after I moved 2 states away from my best friend(my mom) that I was pregnant. I miss her and her support. It’s amazing that even after you grow up and have your own children, you still need your mom as much as when you were 5. She will be here when the baby makes her debut, so I am getting very anxious. I am busy getting everything ready to except this little blessing into our family.
So there you have it. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers- I am hoping for a positive amnio so we can deliver on the goal date! I will be sure to update you if she makes an early debut!!
Oh yeah, her she is….with her thinking pose!! And look at those full little lips!!