My not-so-magical trip to Disney & the toilet that changed my life

So, I eventually have to start writing again or Melissa is going to take my name off everything. My kids will have my head if the review products stop so... here I am...

On December 8th, I packed the girls and my mom up in the mini-van and we headed to Florida for the vacation of a lifetime at the happiest place on Earth... It wasn't a very happy trip.

Yes, Disney was a disaster and I almost didn't survive it.  It has taken me this long to get over it enough to be able to talk about it.  I don't even know where to start.  And, lets not get started on the revelations.

The Princess incessantly begged.  Begged to go on the Small World ride.  Begged to go on the Pooh ride.  Begged to go on the People Mover.  Begged for it to be time to eat.  Begged for it to be time for another ride~ or whatever she felt like at the time.  It never stopped.

Seriously, it didn't stop.

And, if that wasn't enough, she got the baby involved.  "Wanna' go on the Pooh ride?" she would ask her.  Well, never mind that the line was at least 45 minutes long and we had Fast Passes for an hour~ you can't explain that to a 2 year old, obviously.  So, there was toddler sized rage to deal with, too.

I spent the entire "magical" time fighting back tears.

Then, there was the mirror in the bathroom at the hotel.  The mirror that gave you a FULL view of yourself when you were sitting on the toilet.  Not a flattering position to be in to view yourself, first of all, and secondly, for me, it was extra unflattering.

Here was where the revelations come in...

I realized that it has been a long time since I looked at myself in the mirror.  Very long.  And I did not like what I saw.  How much weight did I gain this summer?  {Most of you don't know because I didn't talk about it much, but I had back surgery in May of this year.  I have had a long recovery and weight gain has been a byproduct of being significantly less active.}

I didn't recognize myself.

Yes, I looked in the mirror for the first time in a long time and was surprised at what I saw.  I didn't even know the person looking back at me.  How is that even possible?

Over the course of a few days, I realized that I have been neglecting myself to the nth degree.  Seriously~ more neglect than is called for from a Mom.

Of course we're poor~ I'm a single Mom of 3.  But, are we really poor enough that I can't get my eyebrows done?  It's less than $20~ with tip!  {Maybe cut out a visit to McDonalds, Fatty...}

And, is it really necessary to be off the Zoloft?  Maybe at another point in my life i can think about it but is it so bad to have a little help now?  Maybe people wouldn't be looking at me like I'm scum as they walk by because I'm yelling at the kid for climbing on something she shouldn't be climbing on and the baby is following her lead.  Again...

Why did I go off the Ritalin, too?  Maybe it would help me feel less distracted again.  It worked before.  Besides, it helps keep the extra weight off.

Why haven't I started running?  I used to love it and I've been telling everyone who will listen that I'm going to start up again.  The exercise will be good for me.

These are the thoughts running around in my head the rest of the trip.  I didn't like the answers.  I didn't like who I was at that time and I wasn't the biggest fan of my children, either.

Photo Credit

So, I did what every down and out woman does at one point or another.  I buried my head in Twilight novels and pretended I was Bella.

Eventually, though, Melissa came looking for me.  But, I was still too broken to pull myself up.  It was just so hard to come to grips with everything.  Obviously, I had to start somewhere.  I had reached the point that I had to do something or continue on the path that I was on.  In other words, give up.

I considered it~ I really did.  Did it matter if I was 150 lbs or 300 lbs?  Would my kids be raised differently?  But, as always, the thought of my kids brought me out of it.  I don't want them to have a bad example in me.  They deserve a mother that is whole and healthy.

So, I am working on it now.  I have stopped the destructive habits I acquired this summer.  I spent a few weeks sleeping a regular schedule and getting up on time.  And, the twins and I started Couch to 5K.  Yes, they are suffering right along side me.  They deserve it.  I have watched enough Dora and Barbie movies.

Then, there is the issue of my personal life.

Before I left, I signed up for a Secret Santa gift exchange.  When my lady e-mailed me, I had nothing to tell her.  I have no hobbies.  I'm not into anything.  Tiffany is gone.

Seriously, she is gone.  The only person left is Tiffany the Blogger and Tiffany the Mama.  Tiffany with the Autistic kids.  Tiffany the homeschoooler.  There is no more Tiffany the person.

I have, seriously, lost myself.  And, I don't know how to find myself again.  And I don't know how to fix it.  I don't even know where to start.

Getting my Tiffany back is going to take more than starting an exercise program or going back on my meds.  I think Tiffany will have to wait to be found until the kids are older.  It's just too hard right now and there's not enough time.

And no where near enough energy.

So, that's my story of December.  Another drama filled, hectic, tiring month.  But, like all the others, I survived it.  And, I'll survive the next one.  And the one after that.  I'm tired just thinking about it.

So, please, continue to pray for me as I walk through this valley.  I need all the help you can give.



Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net